ahhh....to sleep, perchance to dream

if you know me remotely well, then this post is no surprise. Sleep eludes me on a regular basis. I'm definitely one of those people who function on a very small portion of it. As a small child, I can remember laying awake for hours staring at the ceiling, listening to my sister partake of the aforementioned bliss. I go to bed faithfully at night, knowing it will take me hours to fall asleep regardless of how tired I am. So, the logic is, the sooner I lay down, the greater my chances of getting more sleep. I like the days I don't have to be anywhere early, because I might get an hour or more of this loveliness. However, I awake often throughout the night when I do fall asleep. For instance, last night, I watched the time tick away until 3ish, woke up about every hour on the hour, check the time, groan, and roll over hoping to fall asleep soon. It isn't always this rough, but it's the general feel. I ask myself why. I can't remember a time I wasn't like this.
I'm partial to the studies that show that people who need less sleep are more intelligent and their brains are super-active. I'm not fond of the ones that show that it's bad for your health, affects your work, emotions, etc.
So, why don't I do anything about it? Well, I've tried some of those over-the-counter things and they have the opposite effect. My heart races, I feel like I could run a marathon. I tried the natural remedies. No difference. I've tried the being careful what you eat, no caffeine, exercising like a fiend to get tired, etc. Nothing seems to change. It does not matter how physically exhausted I am, my mind goes crazy when I try to sleep. Of course, I've had some of my best ideas during these hours. I've anguished over huge portions of my life, I've written poetry, I've planned out numerous outcomes for the future....what else can I do? and, yes, it has affected my health; physically and mentally.

I'm so jealous of the people who can close their eyes and immediately fall asleep...anywhere. The people who can lay down and have a refreshing 20 minute nap in the afternoon. How do you do it, people?

the conclusion: my mind is freakish, it will not be quiet, guess I'll have to live with it. In Heaven, I plan to take a nice, long nap.

conflictions

i have a student this semester (sorry, ferpa) who gave a speech on how drunk driving has impacted his life. he's lost two family members and has been in an accident himself because of excessive consumption. so, he urged his fellow classmates, and myself, to refrain from this.

no problem.

last class period, i could hardly be within two feet of him without the strong odor of alcohol overwhelming me. today, he gave a very slurred speech in class.  it's only eleven in the morning. did he drive to school? will i see him in the parking garage driving away after class?

i go to my second class and look in the face of a girl who was hit by a drunk driver on her way to school at eight in the morning. many facial reconstruction surgeries later, she smiles at me from her seat. i remember her crying as she told her story.

starry floor

my floor looks like a van gogh painting right now. or maybe that's the laundry in piles, faithfully awaiting their turn in the wash. i don't like doing laundry, but i love how clothes smell when they come out of the dryer. laundry can accumulate so quickly. i've heard of people who run out of clean underwear and instead of washing they just buy another 3-pack. when i come to the end of wearing all the clothes i really like, i know it's time to break down and just do it. i wish there were laundry fairies, but they must hang out with the job fairies in my world. what if laundry was just a metaphor for your emotional life? scattered, pushed-off, trampled on? i don't think i want to go down that train of thought anymore.

i notice there's an unusual amount of black in my wardrobe. i wonder what could account for this? it's definitely not the same excuse that audrey hepburn has, that's for sure. is it because i'm so dramatic? nope. i think i'll stick with the most obvious reason.

to buy more clothes would be wonderful, but that means you have to go try them on....in front of 3-way mirrors. definitely not for the faint of heart. unless you're one of "them".

you know who you are.